messy heart.

The pastor of my family’s church back home once said, “your purpose is not found in yourself. And as we all know, no matter how hard you look for something, if you’re looking in the wrong place, you’re never gonna find it.”

This thought was cute and obvious when I first heard it, but I had no idea how often I try to find my answers within myself and then just sprinkle some Christian churchy talk over it. Pastor Mark Driscoll criticizes yoga (in which many Christian women participate) in one of his sermons, talking about how it’s an idolatrous form of worship where you turn inward and try to find peace and truth in yourself. This is very different from what Christ teaches us when He tells us that these things are ONLY found in Him. In my head I know this is true, but how often do I live as though every idea that comes to my head is what I’m supposed to do?

One of my biggest struggles is reminding myself that I do not get it. I’m not the stuff. I am not good. Jesus has saved me in SPITE of my religion, not because of it. When I seek to be my own savior, even if I’d never call it that, I am asserting that I don’t need Him. And oh, how false that is. Just typing the words made me cringe. It is in my worries, my fears, my doubts and my false assumptions or misunderstandings that I MUST turn outward away from the cloudiness of my own mind. Satan has learned just what words to whipser to get me to doubt everything I know to be true. If I keep searching the library of my own thoughts, I will surely be misled by emotions and falsehood. I could think and scheme and debate and worry my life away, but the Bible has written out encouragement for every kind of hardship and given ample evidence that Jesus is the answer to every problem.

This all came to mind today because I was browsing through a website and saw tons of “inspirational” quotes about ‘following your heart’ or ‘finding peace within yourself’ and I felt so sad that so many people are fighting to be satisfied in this kind of advice. They feel like if they are not sane or composed or certain of everything that they have failed as a human. What a clever trick to make us constantly dissatisfied. That devil has sure perfected his game. I want my only comfort to be in Christ. Paul wrote, “I have resolved to know nothing except Christ and Him crucified.”

How many times in the Old Testament can we find people in predicaments where their only chance of survival is hearing the correct path from God? SO many. Think back to all of the battles that the Israelites won only because their people fasted and prayed and then, most importantly, OBEYED what God said. This can sound strange to us today, where everything is immediate, concrete, electronic and just about everyone is a cynic. But I can feel God waiting to bless us with His guidance and His truth. I can feel Him waiting to take us on adventures and show us the majesty of His mysteries. Many of my friends who have been on missions trips have crazy stories that can only be explained through Christ’s supernatural authority. It’s enough to make you feel like you’re back in times of Scripture. I want that kind of life. I want to know that every step I take is being directed by the One who can see the future and repair the past. I want to feel that rush when I know the Spirit of God is moving and driving us to greater understanding of His love for us. Sure, I could write a plan of what I want my life to look like, and too often I try to, but what do I know of the grand ideas of the mind of the God that created the Universe? He’s a better writer. I want Him to write my story.