messy heart.

I believe that I was made to write. Many people are. When I feel thoughts welling up, I immediately feel the need to pass them on. What I should probably do is keep them hidden until they are book-sized, instead of spending these thoughts here and there, but nonetheless, I feel the compelling urge to share with whomever may stumble across this blog post the things that God has been teaching me.

This post may be really uncomfortable, as it is probably the most vulnerable and abstract post I’ve written to date, but I feel it necessary to write.

In the past year or so, since I’ve been out of college, I’ve noticed two negative changes in myself. 1) Since I’ve been working all the time and been spending 14 hours a day outside of my house, I’ve eaten a lot of fast food and have put on a lot of weight. (This will tie in to something I promise) and 2) Since I’ve been working all the time and been spending 14 hours a day outside of my house, I’ve found myself really really not wanting to read the Bible. When I finally get home, I want to ‘relax.’ Watch a movie. Go on Facebook. Sleep. Do anything except for study the Word of God. Now, I love Jesus. I want to know Him. I want to be like Him. I love the Bible and every time I open it and read, I feel so thankful and humbled that He called me to read out of His Holy Word. But it’s the impetus to start reading it that has gotten me to sinfully point to reasons why I’ll read “tomorrow.” ‘I’m too tired.’ ‘God, I have to spend time with my friends.’ ‘God I have a headache.’ Wait a second… God I have a headache!! Doesn’t that sound like the excuse that wives on sitcoms use to deny their husbands of sex when they’re annoyed with them?? Did I just say that to God? Here’s the Creator of the Universe, trying to initiate intimacy with me and I’m giving Him the “I have a headache” card? Whattt? When did I become that way?

It is at first unnatural for us to equate sex with intimacy with God, because so often we view sex as dirty. For me, since I’m unmarried and a virgin, my understanding of it is unfortunately largely influenced (and tainted) by what society portrays it to be. To the world, God and sex don’t mix. Or at least they shouldn’t if you’re “normal.” But in reality, sex is God’s gift to married couples to give them a tiny glimpse of the intimacy that He desires with His people. When I’m ending my day and God nudges on my heart to read the Bible, He’s inviting me to enjoy intimacy with Him. (Please resist the urge to think of this as awkward. Intimacy is supposed to be pure, not shameful.) Usually in my readings, I come across passages that indicate that He is telling me He loves me. He is promising me hope of a future time when we will be together, face to face. Times when I will know His love without any limitations. Doesn’t that sound like romance to you? So you can imagine how abruptly rude it sounds to Him when I say, “no, God. I can’t read right now. I have a headache. Let me watch a re-run of a Food Network show on my laptop before bed instead.”

Gross.

So lately I’ve been really convicted about why I haven’t been feeling like studying the Word of God. On the surface, the easy answer is—I’m too busy. I’ve overloaded myself. But when I am really honest with myself, the truth is that I’ve been avoiding real alone time with God because I’m nervous. I know there’s a lot in the past year that doesn’t make Him proud. Chiefly the way I’ve so often neglected our relationship. I feel unfit for Him, so I have avoided giving myself to Him out of fear of what He’ll see. Obviously I understand that He already sees my heart, and all of its filth, but there’s a submissive part of offering yourself over for daily inspection and sanctification that requires vulnerability and humility. I feel that not only have I physically become less beautiful, but spiritually as well. I have felt ashamed of the way I am, and I have tried to refrain from presenting myself this way to God.

As sad as it is to write these words, I know there is hope and beauty that will come from this part of my life. The Bible teaches us that the Church is the bride of Christ. He chose us, and He does not want us to fear giving ourselves to Him. For a long time, I have wanted the privileges of His protection, His blessings, and His power, but I have not wanted to give myself to Him in love the way a bride does for her husband. (Like I warned, this God and sex parallel makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but I am simply comparing a life of loving God to the way a bride loves her groom.) There should be no shame when I approach the throne of God to pray or read Scripture, because the blood of Jesus alone has made me a worthy Bride. He wants to love on me and teach me how to live for Him and how to love others, but that requires that I have the faith to approach Him without shame, knowing that He sees me as beautiful because He saved me by grace. When He looks at me, He no longer sees the grime of sin all over me, because the blood of Jesus has clothed me in righteousness that I could never earn. But when I hide from my God, the way Eve ran from Him, I show that I do not trust Him. I do not want to be seen because I am not looking to His grace but rather looking to myself as my functional savior. The physical changes in my appearance this year have mirrored the spiritual laziness and shame and gunk that have built up in my heart as a result of hiding from intimacy with God. I have wanted Him as a Savior, but not as a Lord. I’ve become the wife that spends her husband’s money and demands her husband’s time but never physically loves on him.  Sex in a Christian, healthy marriage should be a constant expression of love and grace and self-sacrifice. In that same vein, obedience to Christ should be out of love, not obligation. (Especially because Christ Jesus doesn’t need us to do anything for Him. When He calls us to obey, it’s because He wants to bless us, bless others through us, and show His beauty, which saves the world.) And there should be no hiding or shame. Jesus knows there’s a lot in me that needs to be fixed, but He is not less in love with me because of it. Just like I hope my parents and my boyfriend and my friends don’t love me less just because I don’t look like I did my senior year of high school.

But lastly, I have to have the faith and patience to know that these conditions, although they definitely can and will be healed, take time. I didn’t gain all this weight and become so spiritually lazy and afraid overnight, and I won’t be able to wake up tomorrow and be where I was a year ago, but I think that God has allowed me to have this physical reminder of the diligence and determination that “running the race” of faith requires. God promises that He will give me the strength I need to pursue Him and keep living for Him, but I have to get off my butt. Hopefully I can work towards being physically healthy and have it as a daily reminder of the spiritual fitness I desire. ** Important note—I am not saying that you’re in sin if you’re not skinny. I will never be skinny. But I have mistreated my body in many ways by neglecting it. And the Bible teaches that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, and for me to claim to love Him, but to treat my body like garbage, would be to deceive myself.

As uncomfortable as it was to write all of this to whoever, if anyone, will read it, it is because I write about God a lot, but I don’t want to give the impression to anyone that walking with God is about hiding reality. This is where I am, and half of it you can see by looking at me, but the spiritual half I can hide if I try. And that’s not the way it should be. Being a part of the family of Christ means exposing your weaknesses and confessing them. If you are a Christian, do not be afraid to present yourself to God and please don’t run from His invitations to know Him more. I promise He only has His best in mind for you. And if you’re not, I pray that you will come to know this Amazing God. Jesus is the most wonderful Love.